I could touch your hand in my imagination, touch your ─
I could watch your hand trace against the binding of a book

I could listen to your mouth in my imagination, listen to it hum against ─
I could taste your mouth as the hand traces the binding of this book

I could read your words in my imagination, read as a page turning in your ─
I could remain silent against my own voice as you trace the binding of my book

I could kiss you - let it all come and remain - the only voice I know beyond words
I could take your hand letting the fingers trace against the stanzas and the person

I could tell you I love you, let circles run around and over ─
I could please your delusions, turning away as you stand on tip toes reaching for the creases of literature.

I could; I can’t
this is the first time I knew

(Source: sethxmarissa)

What if - mind blown - Blair says it first? I mean she kind of already did by default right? When she tells Chuck she’s not “in love with him” and then goes to Dan and tells him that her “heart belongs to someone else [Dan],” is she not by default saying she’s in love with Dan? And I could imagine Dan holding back because he’s not sure if he can trust his heart to her in the wake of what happens with Chuck, GG and the diary blasts.

If the far more likely happens and Dan does say the words first I think her hesitation won’t have anything to do with Chuck but rather her own insecurities and trust issues creeping in. But it won’t take her long to snap into reality and realize the gravity and truth in Dan’s words. Whether she’ll get her chance to say them back before it’s too late is the question.

For me the problem is why is saying the words even an issue. Exhibit Blair saying “Dan loves me for me.” She realizes, and is assured, in that moment that Dan’s in love with her. And again, come back to her words between Chuck and Dan in 5.17.  Isn’t it already self-implied, if not for a whole host of other obvious reasons?

I stood back and accepted all the other contrivances we’ve been thrown our way since they officially became a couple, but this is just taking it too far. It’s unnecessary considering everything they’ve gone through - the emotional affair and turning to being each other’s best friends. It may be too soon to override all issues between them because moving into things without thinking out the logistics of dealing with past relationships, ex’s, is bound to impact. I’m one hundred percent for seeming them come upon realistic, believable, challenges for them to overcome in the same adult-way they’re approaching the contrived, sometimes trivial, bullshit. I just don’t understand why the matter of saying “I love you” has to be enveloped in angst and needless complication. Isn’t that suppose to be Chair’s story?

These screencaps were a challenge to work with, I managed something out of my favorite scene. :)

I couldn’t wrap my head around Dan’s response to Chuck when he confronts his actions. How could Dan openly admit himself to be anything other than the flawless, selfless, being we believed him to be? But I had an epiphany in reflection of the moment this morning. We’ve misinterpreted Dan, but for others, also in the process, Blair.

If Dan was truly the epitome of selflessness then he would of told Blair to go Serena, to go to her fiance, to the very people she should be trusting in and revealing her secrets too. But he never did. He never once turns her away. He needs her in his atmosphere. And being her night and shinning armour, under the rouse of being her friend, allows him to stay in her orbit, even if that in and off itself is painful.

It makes me think of the song by John Mayer, In Your Atmosphere, where he sings, “’Cause I’d die if I saw you; I’d die if I didn’t see you there.” He’s entangled in the need to be near her, because of his love for her, but at the same time, it breaks him knowing he can’t come clean with his feelings. So when ever she comes running, he is there completely and without question.

And to Blair’s part, she turns to him at every whim of a major problem, never once going to her supposed best friend Serena. And she clearly lacks any sort of emotional honesty with her fiance Louis, or the man she claims to be entangled with lingering feelings, her ex-boyfriend Chuck. When she’s convinced herself, for the first time, she needs to leave Louis, she runs to Dan, even knowing they have barely conversed all summer. When she’s dealing with her baby’s paternity, she again turns to Dan, later probing him with a “What if I lose everything?”, to which he responds, “You’ll still have me.” He’s honest and sincere, but to see this as something more holds it’s own truth. He’s basically saying, the door will always be open for you to come into my life at whatever choosing because I will take you in spite of my own pain in doing so. This is how much he loves her.

So it begs that his heart was in it from the moment she steps into his loft asking him to take her to the Hamptons. From that moment forward there is nothing platonic in his intentions. And it’s now clear in reevaluating, there was nothing platonic about her’s either.

Though they never shared in physical intimacy, until Valentines Day with a mere kiss, her heart was already emotionally tied to Dan. Her apparent attempts at blatant denial shattered when she senses within that he hides the truth about what Louis was doing and where he was in the premiere because he’s in love with her. It’s written allover her face. It’s only when she’s backed in to a corner, where his growing transparency leads way with her own that she resorts to defense mechanisms. The most common to simply declare malice in his actions. She does it here, and later when she’s comforted with his feelings for her, and her own revealing to the surface once again, by way of Dan’s book Inside. She defaults to seeing the worst in him, making it all the easier for her to turn away and reject him.

The ironic thing is, all these months later, after she has made peace with her feelings for Dan, when he actually openly and honestly reveals himself to be lesser than perfect, she instinctively trusts that he did it in love, not in malice or to hold her down. And she doesn’t permanently revert to thinking otherwise just so she can continue running - continue living on in denial.

He used her, and she used him all because of their emotional investments and undeclared feelings. They were for all intensive purposes carrying on this entire season with an emotional affair. And though they were accused of sleeping together, and even having an illicit tryst that went as far back as last spring, no one saw the far greater actual betrayal that was literally in front of their eyes at times, the reality of their hearts being given to the other through deed and action. It’s not empty words, or a physical thrashing of their bodies. It the real deal. It’s everything a relationship is defined on, without being physically connected. It’s everything that’s lacking in their other relationships, and they are seeking it from each other.

It’s only now that they are consummating, through their open decelerations of love, feelings of how much they mean to each other, that the facade is up. Dan had her heart all along, and Blair had his – unconditionally.

There were no saints and certainly no platonic dalliances. Just two people in love, navigating the reality of it, the consequences, on their own terms, in the only ways they knew how to at the time, till one day they were on the exact same page, openly and honestly.

So a bit of an interesting story. When I got home from a day out with my husband I decided to hang the new 2012 HIMYM calendar I bought at 75% off. Knowing the Gossip Girl calendar (already hanging) for the month of Feb. was a picture of Chuck Bass I decided I’d off set things by tacking some printout I had from ages ago of the Dan and Blair pre-internship street scene. It’s not that I hate Chuck Bass per say, it’s just that I’m trying to add a little Dair into the mix and bring some good vibes. Sometime later I hit the internet and I’m met with the 5.15 photos. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. I know it is. But still interesting.

While I can’t say this was the worst episode ever, it was in part perplexing. It engaged and certainly pulled to influence all fan bases in some positive way, but it left me mystified as to how they can keep writing Blair as this hapless damsel who has no power in her own life.

This is not Blair. Her confidence overrides her insecurities even if it’s by exuding her power over others to mask her fears. She would never dare mope in bathrooms, be seen to be weaker than, or far worse surrender. Yet she did all these things in the span of one episode, and has been weak for far too long in this season.

And don’t get me started on the absurdity that she made a pact with God to save Chuck’s life. From her own words she doesn’t believe in superstitions. “Signs are for the lower class,” something Blair would never aspire to be ever nor dare associate with. And when she attempted to outwit her own instincts in season three she was only led to find out Chuck had slept with Jenny. So much for destined romance. And so much for trusting your own truths.

But apparently with age and supposed lighting speed growth comes a near complete abandonment of character. Thank God Dan is there to remind her who she truly is and can still aspire to be. Whether that be a woman who can lie and scheme with the best of them, or some one who can command her own will and make her own choices.

There’s something to be said for the way the events turned. It certainly offers the tragic trajectory that seems to be the staple to Chuck and Blair’s romance. But it exists to ruin Blair and all she had been written to be up until this season.

That’s what frustrates me the most. Not that she is still hung up on Chuck, but rather she can’t muster the courage to except the consequences of her feelings and move forward for the sake of her own happiness. Though to be fair I question whether she would know personal happiness even if it smacked her in the face, or more appropriately gutted her.

I didn’t expect this to go from her trying to resolve her triangle with Lois and Chuck to her suddenly dropping both men to go running into the arms of Dan (although let’s be honest. That’s kind of what she’s been doing). Nor did I actually believe she was having an affair with Dan (though that too she kind of is - at least on an emotional level). So I’m not mad at the writer’s for playing this whole thing out.

I’m just infuriated by the games they play, and lack of regard they have for their characters. It comes back on Josh Safran’s response about whether Blair could have romantic feelings for Dan. He replied that he couldn’t answer for Blair. But he’s the show runner. Own your characters; speak for them as you are paid to do; and for the love of God show respect to your characters and to the fans who are smart enough to know when your not.

I’ve gotta say, I’m pleased with the end results here. So happy to have found a theme where the bones worked for me, but also didn’t have an external style sheet. Much easier.

* Larger Size

I’ve wondered for some time now when, if ever, Blair Waldorf will see the transparency of Dan Humphrey’s love for her.

Looking back, reflecting on their history, it’s become apparent that Dan, unbeknownst to himself, was falling for her back in the throws of what wasn’t even a labeled friendship. I watch when he eyes her self-affliction and misery over witnessing Chuck with Raina. And I notice the inflections and exposed sincerity when Dan takes Blair’s hand. It’s clear to me that this is love - the beginnings.

This is also quintessential Dan Humphrey. He could of pleaded with her about getting his story in the right hands or made some caustic and, or, sarcastic remark about Chuck beyond his initial remark about Chuck being “good” in regards to his game play. But when he matter of fact witnesses the real tonal quality of Blair’s feelings he reacts instinctively to remove himself and his wants from the situation, focusing solely on Blair. 

Yet rather unfortunately Blair has kept a blind eye to any glaring indication that Dan is in fact, and rather selflessly so, in love with her. Is she too wrapped up in her own drama? Is she inherently disbelieving that someone could love her in such a manner? Or is she so weighed down by society’s definition of who Blair Waldorf should be that she can’t submit herself to even entertain that Dan loves her implications and all, let alone contend with the idea of her returning feelings?

And at what point can we no longer dispense belief that Blair would still, even after Dan supported her through the pregnancy without judgement or reservation and supported her happiness above his own, be so naive and utterly clueless?

I hope when the show returns in January it’ll be an ushering of a new era, not simply for the show but specifically Blair. Regardless of what spoilers indicate, all the forward movement can’t replace good character development and organic flow. Without seeing a clear view on Blair’s perspective with logistical and believable reasoning, nor without seeing her piece-by-piece breakdown everything that leads to her eyes opening, flaws will be apparent in the Dan and Blair romance.

And with a legion of fans on the fence, and many more stuck in defense of Chuck and Blair, why leave any reason for reservation and complaint?

Penn Badgley Reflects on 100 Episodes (by enews)

He sounds so far removed from the reality of their chemistry, storyline, the impact on the viewers and overall tone of the fandom that I’m quick to dismiss his comments here. But there’s a lot of epic fail here. A epic amount of epic fail.

Why am I forever trapped in the Dawson’s Creek complex with the whole soulmates exist outside the context of true love?

P.S. For one of the few times ever the above animation is an accurate depiction of my reaction to this video.